New, Deep connections with people is Impossible.

I love getting to know people and maybe a bit too much.
I have been told by other people that it´s just me being paranoid but it  really is a feeling that´s hard to shake off.
I get very open with people after I get over the shy stage of the friendship, and I can become maybe too pushy? supposedly I just ask for too much from people, because I do want people to have the same interest as me when it comes to putting in effort in getting to know the people.

The moment I start msg-ing that person frequently and show interest, I become really invested and quickly throw in some feelings (friendly feelings) and I want to receive the same thing but of course people wont always be interested in you back, that´s just how it is sadly.

I sometimes feel like I´m this hyper dog that constantly wants attention but never gets any, :Þ maybe I´m just clingy?
I mean , I am an introvert but.. I crave communication with people online while I´m relaxing alone in my room. I love just handing out with people on Skype while doing other things, it creates this perfect harmony to me.

Maybe all this is just a fantasy i cant fulfill, I feel like maybe I´m  just not really a likable person compared to everyone else? not cool, not pretty , not skinny or funny enough? just never enough? know what I mean?

That´s why, when it comes to it, I prefer animals because then i know they wont at least betray me.. and let me down.


Jealousy ?

Until recently I´ve realized how much of a jealous person I am , and honestly its dreadful. I can´t often be happy for someone if its something that i´m somehow interested inn, like weight loss. A friend of my boyfriends joined the Herbalife i previously talked about and has been sticking with it.(unlike me who couldn’t, due to  being unable to afford it). He has lost a lot of weight, like around 30+kgs in a few months, which i mean is great for him but for me as a jealous person which cant finish anything.. Well…
It drives me absolutely insane with jealousy .
I would think i am like this due to low self esteem, and a.d.d, i jump between projects and therefor never finishing anything. Maybe Self pitty but since i don´t get quick results like other people due 5b7a654d23c73ff7f8a6ecb545f987fbto slow thyroid issues makes my mind even with more raging with jealousy concerning other people.
My psychologists told me that I´m way too hard on myself, but what can i say?
I can´t help it.

Jealous= because low self esteem?
Anyone who agrees with this?

I think in my case I feel way too stupid to be good at anything, since in the past i have put in effort and gained nothing, so when i see somebody progress and succeed in something
I´m thinking the universe is completely against me for some reason?

Like why can I put as much effort or even more and get less out of it than somebody else?
Everybody’s different and works in different ways so one could be follow the wrong path which suits someones head way more than yours?,
Maybe due to the fact you want to be like them? since their way is obviously working for them.

Strange thing is though, one might think and already acknowledge this fact but… sometimes that doesn’t make a difference (how stubborn can one be).
It´s like a viscous circle….

low self esteem- jealousy- realizes why?- acknowledges one should fix it- does nothing about it- low self esteem continues= gets jealous like usual….

AH hard to break out of this … I´m not the best at changing my patterns so.. well
woops? I´m at least trying to attend boxing practices from today despite back issues , and hoping ill stick with it.